Freedom to Be Myself- Chapter Two

CHAPTER TWO

My spiritual life

One thing this chapter is helping me stay focused on is my identity as pictured in a tree. “No tree can grow except on the root from which it sprang.” (p.23) I keep returning to this thought repeatedly in my daily life, asking myself if what I’m doing and / or thinking reflects who I am (a beloved child of an amazing God). Too often I am having thoughts that need to be pruned because they do not belong in me (the type and kind of tree I am). It’s a simple picture that helps me relinquish imposters (thoughts, actions, motives that are not from my Lord).

Leadership within CC

It seems EVERYTHING I read and watch and encounter right now is filtered through thoughts on humility. Kind-of like getting a new car, and suddenly you notice how many people drive that make and model of car that you previously hadn’t noticed. Everywhere I turn I see threads of humility.

One of the books, Whole, is about identifying the problems we have created for ourselves by replacing our God-made diet with a man-made one. This excerpt, from pages 50-51, is particularly relevant to me as a Director and parent in Classical Conversations.

The history of the last 200 years has been the inexorable march of reductionism in all aspects of our lives, from science, to nutrition, to education (think of all the “subjects” taught in isolation from one another), to economics (think of microeconomics versus macroeconomics), and even the human soul (think of how it has been reduced to a map of nerves and networks in the brain).

Looking at our approach to understanding today, it would appear that reductionism, wearing the guise of science, has won- but at great cost to our understanding of the world. In rejecting religious control of science, we also are rejecting the useful perspectives theology offers: a way of looking at the world as a fundamentally connected whole. A willingness to accept that there are things we may not ever be able to fully understand, and instead can only observe.

Mere “scientific” facts cannot fully explain more than a miniscule part of the far-reaching and complex personal emotions we feel when we experience special moments of our lives or stand before the great wonders of the world. Could facts ever fully explain the inspiration and awe we feel when listening to great music, wondering about the beginning and end of the universe, or admiring other people’s talents and emotions? Could describing an enzyme activity, nerve transmission, or hormonal burst really capture what it is like to experience that admiration or those emotions? These things are unimaginably complex and therefore beyond the tools of objective material inquiry.

Notice there’s some language very similar to Leigh Bortin’s. As Christian trivium educators, we reject the reductionist approach to education that separates subjects from one another and God as center and author. We study intricate details in the context of whole parts and magnificent weavings. If we lack humility and assume we can know everything perfectly, we begin to assign meaning to things and to ourselves that don’t actually exist. By approaching life and learning with humility, we are free to discover and witness some of the wonder, being privy to every growing and increasing revelation through our lifetime… but never fully knowing or fully understanding, but growing in wisdom. This is a life worth living to me! It would be odd that if we were smart enough, or worked hard enough that we could attain full understanding of anything… yet, in the past, I think that really was my goal. I thought I could study something perfectly. Now I know better, and am excited to pass a style of learning on to my children that holds God and His world in proper perspective.

Literature

Recently I’ve been going through a season of ugliness. I was self-absorbed, bored, overwhelmed by daily tasks such as meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry. I resented those things, and found myself idolizing the earlier days where my demanding career was WAY easier than parenting and managing a home. My heart was cold and I was going through the motions, faking up some joy every day, because it was the right thing to do.

No sooner had I confessed this darkness to the Lord and to a friend, I was brought this book, Desperate: Hope For The Mom Who Needs to Breathe. And now I can breathe again. I read the first 9 chapters in 24 hours. It was hard to put it down. There’s nothing earth shattering in it. But for me, it was like being reminded of everything I once knew but had forgotten. It’s as if the last several years of illness and the self-absorption that pain and suffering brought, had taken me to a place where I lost perspective of who I am and what my mission is as a mother. I hadn’t lost it completely, of course, but the energy and passion for it had been slowly and subtly whittled away, and this book (along with Humility and the Scriptures and several others) pointed me back to reality. And I am so incredibly thankful. My God is gracious and tenacious in His pursuit of me, and I cannot imagine serving a more loving God. Here’s an excerpt worth sharing (p. 138):

I am so very glad that Jesus did not create one box that he wanted all mothers to be stuffed into. Each family has its own puzzle, and there is abundant grace and joy in figuring it out through the example of our loving Savior.

Jesus was the Servant King. He gave up His rights to live with His men. He taught them patiently, fed them, healed their family members, modeled to them how to live, and ultimately gave up His life for them.

He said of Himself that He was humble, gentle, and meek. He never sought to be prominent or important, or to please or impress people. Instead, He washed feet, touched those who had contagious diseases, and embraced and validated children when the disciples wanted to send them away. He lived a simple life, set firmly in the authority of His Father’s voice.

God did not make cookie-cutter parents or children. Thank goodness He did not try to stuff all of us into one box. You have your personality for a reason – probably for the special work He has for you to do in the world. We have great freedom to live within the confines of our own personalities. The more we learn to accept our own limitations, and the limitations and vulnerability of our children, the more able we will be to give to our children from our strengths, rather than our weaknesses. Our happiness spills over into our parenting and creates children who feel loved and accepted.

Every family member is different. Some children are quiet, some are loud and active, some are artistic, and some love mathematics or are budding scientists. Some mothers are very nurturing, and some are driven to academics. Some fathers love outdoors and sports, and some are professorial types who love reading and writing… Trying to cram any individual or family into the box of another is an insult to the God who made us all to be unique and different. He desires that we trust Him in the variations of each individual masterpiece He has designed.

I highlighted the areas in bold that stood out to me as being particularly relevant to the thread of humility. I want desperately to be free of comparison (an act of pride). I want to live freely within the safety of my Father’s will. By His grace, I purpose to stay there, living a “simple life, set firmly in the authority of [my} Father’s voice.”